Some people are nervous about investing emotionally in friendships and relationships. They feel unworthy of being truly appreciated and loved by others, may have been badly hurt or let down in previous relationships or may even feel unsure as to how to maintain and nurture ongoing relationships. Self-protection can occur in a variety of different ways. Let's look at three very different options.
- Disengaging mentally is an effective way to protect oneself from emotional hurt but it also hi-jacks any chance of establishing meaningful relationships and emotional happiness. Distancing oneself by not engaging mentally may appear to others as being bored, hostile, disinterested, aloof. Other people may feel that they're being shunned or ignored but the reality may be that the person doesn't know how to make conversation, may be socially inept, may feel a little awkward.
Far better to be a good listener, to tentatively join conversations, accept invitations, keep up-to-date with topical news and events and gradually develop the ability to enjoy friendly interactions with others. This then starts the process of building good relationships. As time goes on it's also important to learn to share with other's about feelings, wishes, personal 'stuff' so that any relationship can gain in quality and depth.
- Physically running away is another effective way to protect oneself emotionally. Some people choose to end a relationship rather than have a tough or deep discussion with their friend or partner. The thought of sitting down to discuss something that may be a little contentious can be so overwhelming that it's felt to be better to literally leave, go home, avoid the encounter and maybe even end the relationship.
The reality is though that often by choosing to stay and have those discussions a couple can become closer, learn more about themselves and each other and are able to take their relationship to the next level.
Instead of running away why not stay and book a convenient time for both of you, away from other people, when you can privately discuss any problem areas there may be. It is often valuable in a relationship to set aside regular time for conversation where you can both talk properly to each other, then if any serious issues need to be raised this can occur naturally in a relaxed, less formal way.
- Let's look at protecting oneself emotionally by becoming aware of boundaries, realising that if someone over-steps the mark, behaves in an unacceptable way it is mentioned and dealt with effectively but 'nicely'. All relationships involve compromise at times; people may have different, conflicting demands on their time or money, have hobbies and interests they don't necessarily share, have characteristics and traits that their friend or partner doesn't understand but is prepared to accept for the greater good. These differences can add colour and interest to a relationship, encourage those involved to become more tolerant, perhaps even try new things.
Negotiating boundaries allows each person to respect the other, maybe to occasionally agree to go along with things in order to support the other, safe in the understanding that there is someone there for them in return. Successful relationships and emotional security come from learning to give and take, from compromising and adapting, but also from being confident about speaking up appropriately if necessary. This is an important skill to bring into our adult relationships; respect for others, but also for ourselves.
